Here is a story of home.
A year and a half ago, my family and I moved from the suburbs of Denver
and the life that I and we had built there to return to the land of MY birth,
Minnesota. It was a literal dream come
true for me. A job opportunity made it more
enticing and time specific, though the timing seems to have been… bad. Just bad.
Bad, as in, we needed to be separated for 6-8 weeks prior to our child’s
open heart surgery because that is when the job came in Minnesota and at that
point we were not willing to change a date of surgery or location of surgery or
surgeon for plenty of emotion-laden reasons.
So we moved days after Ada was taken off of oxygen following her surgery
and 12 day hospital stay.
And we moved home. To
our new home. To my old home, as in, to
my grandma’s old home, three miles from the house where I was raised. To my home town. It was the most logical place, as the house
was now vacant and in need of renters, and we had no time or desire to make a
wild choice between any of the suburbs of MSP.
I didn’t care. At that point, the
stress level of home and family life was sky high dealing with the preparation
for major surgery for Ada and the aftermath of it. There were no plans for five years down the
road.
As Nick and I were back in Denver for that first Christmas
following our move, we had an hour free, sans kiddos and walked around an old
King Soopers grocery store, reminiscing about the cheap repackaged eggs we
would always scrounge for in our lean years.
“We’ve made a terrible choice!” we exclaimed to one another, referring
to our decision to move to MN. We were
joking, of course, and yet… the pain of moving, the pain of loss of normalcy,
the pain of building community and friendships that takes YEARS of trying. It was too much. And in our old home, we were surrounded by
those places and people (and grocery store choices!) that were no longer in our
lives.
We knew it would be tough and that it would take time, and
yet one can know it in the mind and not actually be prepared to experience it.
Not a few times, I have driven slowly by the home where I
grew up. Looking to see if my apple tree
in the back yard is still there (it isn’t).
Wondering if the dusty rose paint in my upstairs bedroom has been
updated (surely it must be). Wanting to
just do a slow walk around the house and remember. I have
cried. And sometimes it catches me off
guard. I don’t want to go back to high
school me. I don’t honestly wish for
life to be as it were in the early 2000s when I last lived in Minnesota. But this year and a half has been a much
larger transition and struggle than I ever thought it would be. When your dream comes true and you discover
that actually you aren’t sure you want it…
When I was a junior, I was given an opportunity to go to
college a year early. My two best
friends were offered the same opportunity and jumped at the chance. I wrestled and wrestled, wishing that God
would just TELL me what to do. I
certainly prayed and asked that He would make things clear. In the end, it came to the decision day, and
I didn’t know. I didn’t “have
peace”. Honestly, I didn’t have peace in
either direction, so I just did the thing that was more “normal” – continue
with high school one more year as planned.
As in, I gave up a free year of college.
Some would consider that to be a no-brainer decision to take that
chance, especially in today’s culture and the sky-rocketing costs of higher
education. But no. No thunderbolts, no wet ground/ dry
fleece. Just a lot of silence and
questions unanswered.
But my life has been forever changed because of that
decision, to stay home another year. The
friendships I made when I DID go to college… the opportunities that presented
themselves and how that affected my other decisions to work at camp, major in
education, teach in Japan, move to Colorado, marry the first guy I met there (J Just kidding, Nick,
though you were the hottest and best J
) teach at a one-of-a-kind school, experience Guatemala, and the precious child
we lost, then the two we have today… thanks be to God.
Our decisions in life are WEIGHTY. They have effects. Every action has an equal and opposite
reaction, am I correct? Some decisions
in life are more clearly big deals than others, and we should give them extra
time, consideration, prayer. But I also
need to calm myself a little bit these days and remember what I believe. I believe that in the Word of God, the things
that are the main things are so very clear.
And when God doesn’t speak specifically, we do our best to examine how
He may be leading and walk in obedience.
But now that that last sentence sounds a good bit churchy, allow me to
say this: sometimes you just make a decision and try to do your best to follow
the Lord wherever that decision then leads you.
Sometimes in life I have to make a pro and con list on a decision and I
discover that both options could work.
Stay in Colorado, move to Minnesota.
Both could’ve worked and there were positives and negatives to each
choice. But we chose one, and here we
are, nibbling on snowballs and apple fritters from Herman’s Bakery and reading
the Isanti County News. Doing jealous
Facebook feed scans of Colorado friends and their 70 degree January days and
vacations in mountain paradise.
Did we make the wrong choice? I think - maybe - that is the wrong question. God cares about us, clearly that is undisputed. But we used our brains, our intellect, prayed for discernment... and chose something. We also would've considered "following our hearts", were our hearts not totally and completely wrapped around the well-being of our child in those days of decision. Perhaps the question to ask is more basic... are we seeking God here? Are we becoming more like Him? Are we letting God work in us and through us? Or are we sidetracked, sidelined, stymied by regret, discouragement, loss, fear?
Jim Elliot, oh Jim Elliot.
I certainly hope this is a real quote of his… in any case, he is rumored
to have said, “Wherever you are, be all there.
Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.” Let’s do this thing. Let's make a home here, because here is where we are.
